Froehliche Weihnachten faithful readers! Many of you have requested I divulge information regarding the Schrute family’s annual Christmas traditions. Initially I thought, what my family does in the privacy of our compound does not concern you, but then I had a change of heart after watching a special Christmas television program with Mose. In the program, a skinny green monster impersonated Santa Claus, broke into the homes of an entire village, and repeatedly committed felony burglary. I realized that this sort of lawless behavior is lauded by our society as exemplifying the “Christmas spirit” and it made me sick. So rather than stand by idly and watch mankind continue to emulate the skinny green Christmas monster, I’ve decided to share my family’s Christmas customs in the hopes that they may serve to exemplify the true meaning of the “Christmas spirit.”
Christmas Eve is a particularly holy night for my family. An Austrian priest, Joseph Mohr, penned a poem exploiting my family’s tradition of the “Silent Night.” As the title suggests, no one is allowed to speak or make any noise, without facing the bitter taste of the switch. The satisfaction we all got when someone accidentally spoke and was switched is still one of the greatest memories of my childhood.
Our Christmas day traditions are pretty mainstream. We wake up early to exchange small, handmade wooden presents and to slaughter our dinner—the Christmas goat. And of course, if a Schrute has been particularly good that year, then Kris Von Kindl fills his stockings with coal, a highly desired source of fuel during long, cold Pennsylvania winters.
And since our Christmas festivities are so much fun, we carry them on for another day, which we call, “Boxing Day.” In between feasting and personal meditation, the day is spent engaging in fierce hand-to-hand combat with our loved ones. Unresolved familial issues that have crept up over the course of the year get settled once and for.
Thus, after three gruelingly delightful days spent internalizing the Christmas virtues (love, obedience, and endurance), our family is ready to ring in the New Year with the true Christmas spirit etched into the musculature of our hearts.
May you and yours have the best of battles this holiday season,
Dwight K. Schrute.
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