New Years

so some people start off their years with new years resolutions.... but today is not new years.
i want to make a few random resolutions. im not expecting pity and such. im just here, writing, because i see some things in myself that are very bad things to be doing.
here:
-talk less. some things i say are pointless, and quite frankly, stupid.
-speak louder. i mutter and stutter. this is due to a lack of confidence. i need to realize what i can offer people.
-stop swearing. it's quite childish and there really is no need. there is also a chance that it offends people, and i would rather not be that typical Offend random old ladies on the street, or teach children bad words- guy.
-some of my friends have major issues. i tend to listen to them and let them vent. i suggest (to myself) that i don't let this effect me. there's a difference between being there for someone and giving them advice, and getting involved and getting hurt just out of sympathy, or often Empathy.
-improve the way i treat people... or use people. and take advantage of them. it's wrong, and i need to be independent. i need a job, so i can support MYSELF!
-BUY PEOPLE STUFF! starting next year.... because i have no job... but i mean in reference to birthday and Christmas presents... it's not cool that i can receive them and not have the care to give them.. believe it or not i hate myself for it.
-stop being so cocky. i noticed today, whilst sleeping in class, that i am a fairly rude person... i noticed today that when a person that is standing in the hall says hi to me, i just say hey and keep walking.... don't people normally stop and talk for a minute or two? i mean, i'm not saying I'm doing a bad thing... but it starts there... the little things. if i stopped to talk to more people when i can, i think it would help with my being cocky.
-i'd like to be more of a people kind of guy. i have noticed that im not usually the person that people notice very well. maybe im not approachable. maybe i need to smile more, you know? stop crossing my arms all the time, not get so caught up in my appearance! it's hard though. i wish i had a solution.
-I'd like to be "a brand new man." have you ever been that? like you go to work, or go to school one day, and you're just totally different? that would be a nice change from my norm.
-I've been called many things in my life... such as "Mooch." of all the hateful words ever, that was the one i dislike the most. I have noticed all this in myself... i truly am a mooch... and i know it. it's one thing to change when you are aware that you do something, and you are aware that it is bad, but it's another to CATCH yourself in the act and stop yourself before you do. I sometimes wonder if i was spoiled as a child. if this is the reason that i rely on other people for my material needs. then i just think "no, it's because I'm lazy." it has nothing to do with anything else. example: i make people buy me lunch. today i made my good friend use her birthday money to buy me candy. how terrible is that! i mean, i know I'd like to buy it myself... but the truth is that i don't even need candy... i think it's just a self conscientious way of making myself noticed. i think i need people to buy me stuff so they will pay attention to me. you should know i would much rather buy these things myself! i think the best resolution for me from this point on would be to either buy myself these thing, not buy these things at all because i don't need them. i can also work on this by bringing a lunch. i mean, my mom tries to buy me stuff for lunches... why don't i take advantage of this! i need to start fending for myself. I'm going into the real world soon. it's scary.
so here it is. the new joel porteous. it will be hard, i may backslide, but if i believe in myself i think i can do it. i think i can be a better person. all i need is confidence in myself. confidence in God.

A French Weining Dash

Is there a way to chop off a person's ear without there being any blood involved?
Or hard feelings for that matter.

I recently got back from the states... big woop.
i learned a few things... Apple Jacks are still out there AND thriving, there is such a thing as Friendlies Restaurant... and it is heavenly... we ate there three of the five nights we stayed.
oh, and also that Wal Mart is a strange and different place...
Wal Mart has a thing called a Guitar Hero Arcade game... in their Arcade Game section...

i tried Taco Bell over there too... oh my goodness, i think i wet myself.

have you (the reader) ever been excused to go to the bathroom from class to blow your nose because there are no tissues in the classroom?
*i just thought i could smell that awe full place... please excuse me as i regain my thoughts*
and you get to the rest room and all you can use is nasty toilet paper. it's bad enough you have to put your face in stuff that is not meant to touch a face... but whats worse is that it smells like it is recycled fish. Every time i do it makes me feel like the bottom of the nose-blowing foot chain.

OMG it's true ! there is a way to chop off a man's ear... it is it infected and hanging on by a thread of skin.... and you somehow brushed up against it... or pulled it off (as a friend)... then he wouldn't be mad! in fact i think the person would be thankful!
it's the same situation as when a FATHER pulls out his son's or daughter's TOOTH!
(the one thing i am not looking forward to with regards to fatherhood).

it's strange that when people walk by your classroom at school they always seem compelled to look inside... at me... who is inevitably ALWAYS looking back at them. i usually find myself gazing into classes myself as i walk by.

ok what is with all these pathetic facebook and msn status'? they are retarded!
"The silence was our love, then i looked down to my hands and saw your blood."
What?! that's ridiculous!
it's like saying:
"our moment was forever, then i killed you."
that's all!
he's a good one, someone has this as her status:
"remembering...when we were young...and how life was easy..."
wow, she's 18. get a life !

"LOVES MY MEN SO MUCH."
... she must have had a typo.

here's one from someone else:
"And i dont want the world to see me, because i dont think that they would understand when everything made to be broken i just want you to know who I am"
she's 16...
people are pathetic.

Bargain Attick

so your driving down the road. it's diverse with fog. you flicker your lights from high to low, in search of a clearer future. the fog is dense, without blemish. at last there is a clearing about fifty feet long. you enter. there is a deer near the end of the fog-clearing, ready to cross the road. as you approach the deer seems confused, naturally you slow your speed. the deer darts across the road, leaving you to swerve to barely miss it.
the passenger in your car is a vigilante of sorts. he has no time for sore games. at first glance of the menace he darts for the power window switch. the power is not strong enough, the window recedes into the door TOO SLOWLY! he climbs onto the window like some sort of circus monkey. at last it is withdrawn. the deer is near, he leans out the window with one arm on the door handle and one hand waving in the air like a flag at a car dealership. as the deer is in sight the passenger lines up his hand for the kill. at last, contact has been made, the man smacked the deer right across the face with no sign of remorse... only to speed off in his car with three simple words, "Don't Be Stupid."

the life of an OCD ridden, nympho maniac.
i lied i have no idea what nympho maniac means.

1. hey, your in a clean room... there's a cardboard box spread out on the floor... nothing around it... you HAVE TO STAND ON IT. or your life will NOT progress..

2. you just scratched your right eye... no, you have to make them EQUAL! SCRATCH THE LLLLLEEEFFFFTT ONE TOO!

3. un-cracked fingers? not if I can help it. (or know there is a possibility that they can be cracked)

4. "iunno" is not a word. please type it out, "I don't know."

5. try leaving a tiny keyboard in the middle of MY floor for a week,... and SEE if it doesn't have the perfectly sized spot somewhere in my room by the end of it.

6. no matter how full, dishwashers should pretty much always be running, whether full of dishes or not. and if the dishwasher has been running for so long that it will not completely clean the recently dirtied dish in your hand, then you have to wash it by hand and put it away... a clean kitchen is a healthy kitchen.

7. i would be the best person to lay tile in someone's shower... everyone i see is not completely square to the parallel tile... it drives me nuts.

8. if im at a friends house and im staying there for a while... may the records show that there will be NO dirty dishes in that sink by the time i leave.

9. being a hard worker and a perfectionist... every person i've ever done house work or extracuricular work for is ALWAYS happy to be a very good reference for future employment.

10. physically, i can not bring myself to let my toe-, or finger-nails grow long... its un natural.

11. shovelling snow takes twice as long for me... i'll just leave it at that... all corners must be completely square, 90 degree angles.

12. i dont know how to spell attic... atic... attick... atick...

13. i used to say ever word with an "uh" sound at the end of it. while counting down to myself i'd say. " three, two, one, UH." as if the UH meant zero or something... its bazarre i know...

14. there's no way in hell im ever going to just toss my socks aimlessly into a sock droor... no, they need to be FOLDED.

15. lately my OCD has bee getting worst... i can't keep text messages... i always delete them after i get 'um... i can't stand a full message box.

16. you know the "Recycling Box" on the desktop of the computer? if i delete a picture or something i automatically go and "Empty Recycling." not because im affraid of being followed... but because i don't like it taking up space. same with adds on facebook where they have the little "X" to close them, i always do. same with "people you may know" on facebook. mine is always empty, i cant stand it... if your confused talk to me in person and ill show you...

17. i will sit completely still for dozens of minutes. and when i do, i wait. i feel a tingly feeling on my leg and i think "HEY, ITS A BUG!" so i investigate... turns out its just my hair... i really really hate leg hair.

18. i lay awake at night listening for mosquitoes... and when i hear one i dont sleep till it's dead. if im too sleepy to care, i'll spray bug spray all over myself before beg, all over the walls, and DEFINATELY around the threshold of my room.

19. i like to say "you bet your sweet bippy."

20. perfect hair is an understatement... the world would be a better place if hair was non-existant.

group unfinished

why did milk used to get delivered to homes?
it doesnt make any sense !

when i sniffle my right eye vibrates

do you know what "As it were" means?
this is what the internet has to say:
“As it were”—a curious, parenthetic phrase. As if it were so. A phrase used “to indicate that a word or statement is perhaps not formally exact though practically right." The mood is subjunctive. One would say it, if only he could mean it.

which does not make sense... i am going to ask both my english teachers through the course of today... and we will see what THEY have to say about it.

Paid In Bull

wow i forgot about this site !
i have been good yourself?
ok here's whats new in my life:
-i dyed my hair 3 times, it's blond now.
-my mother has stopped forcing me to go to church with her.
-i am applying at Tim Hortons. in the next week. because i need money THAT BADLY.
-school is soon. not really.
-my sister is engaged, i am now in both my sister's and my brother's wedding's next year.
-Belle and Sebastian is the greatest band ever.
-Foxy Shazam is pretty good too.
-i have like 3 new pen pals.
-i'm the 66th most liked person on my yearbook. in ontario. because of my good looks.
-there is a time for cereal... every...time. second.
-i want to go to uni for journalism... not television broadcasting... because that is a better program... hopefully it will help me become a television show writer... better.
-nail polish helped me improve in my bass skills.
-i got 71% in summer school... and skipped 4 assignments.
-my dog pooped on my N64 controller this morning.
-someone stole my Mario Kart game.
-im still the best at Super Smash Bros 64.
-and i dont like vitamin water.

what if every nail in the world turned into a worm..
strange.
i could imagine being in the bath tub, and the house falls apart.
strange.
the only thing i would worry about is not that my house is falling apart... but that i need to grab a towel before i hit the ground.
this is why i keep a towel close to the tub while i bathe.

imagine being a blind unicorn. you would end up stabbing stuff and getting stuck..
what's worse you ask? being blind AROUND a blind unicorn- that's what's worse.

i need $1200 for a bass amp and 2 peddles... if anyone can help please tell me... i will literally do anything. ill clean a basement, eat a small dog, weld a large statue of a man tying his shoes... anything.

never heard of it.
the Hangover is the best movie ever. same with G.I.Joe.

Jum: The Jum Of The Universe

if i had a child i would name it: Nice

"be nice" literally

it would be like `hello, im nice`

do this: go up to an old lady on the side of the street. don`t look all scary... it will scare her away.

now ask her this question (pretrend your five so shesays yes): will you carry my grocery bags across the road for me. if she says yes then you are on board, walk across the road like you mean it. throw in a limp or two so the people in cars dont think your a bastard. then when you get to the beginning of the side walk and you take your bags back, hold out your hand like you expect money... if they are a true old person and are as senile as they look, they should give YOU money for carrying your bags acrpss the road... this is a quick and easy way to earn a quick buck if you are on your way to the convenience store for a pipe to smoke your dope with.

*NOTE: the older the lady the more the money, she could be blind and give you like a $500 bill... depends...

*If you feel confident in your talent, you can experiment on old GUYs as well. they will be tougher NO DOUBT! because men are smarter than women in the first place., they MAY catch on, so be smarty about it!

*One downer about old men though: they look older than they are... because they die sooner than women... so a 90 year old lady could look like a 70 year olf man... try and find a man that really IS 90 years old if you`re going to punk him like this.

ANOTHER NOTE: men are stronger... juuuuust a tip. from experienced

Fun fairs are not fun. i dont even see how little kids like them... im going to invent a fair that`s called Unfun fair... this way it will be fun...

though i will probably attract a lot of freaky and very dark people.

i just wouldn`t work there. id get some cheery people on morphine to do it.

Its fair to assume everyone in the world has been spanked more by their father than mother right... i mean getting spanked by your dad would be about the 50% mark... im just assuming the rest of the world is like me... unless you live in one of those goody-two-shoes homes that are against spankadelic foundations. you people make me sick!

*off topic: when i told my mom and dad that there was a law against spanking young (and beatiful, charming, always lighting up the room when they walked in) children, they laughed at me... thats right. my parents laughed at me when i said `HEY non of this now yah hear!` they laughed.**

anyways, yeah i have always studied the art of spanking... not like PeteTownshend (rock and roll LEGEND)... i dont go on those creepy web sites. but i have noticed a few things:

1. dads spank harder than mothers.

2. mothers (for some reason) like to spank more often.

3. mothers like to do it more than once a day... dads prefer it to be a 6 times a week MAXimum...

4. grandpas actually care when they are hurting you. my grandpa was the only one to eveer say to me `this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you`, i know weve all heard it before...

5. to make up for their lack of strength mothers like to use weapons.

6. fathers will take off their own belt to beat you with... mothers tend to use something else *ANYTHING else... something they find lying around the house.

i would get creative... i could use a frying pan... or the kettle... or an extention chord.... something that makes noise... like a guitar (Pete Townshend again)... or a tamborine...

My family use to have this thing in the kitchen... right beside the dinner table we had a book shelf about 6 inches from the wall so we could hide stuff in there... like brooms and such...

well, that`s not all that was in there... my mother was vicious... she never spanked the kids but my dad did... she enjoyed being there to comfort us when we ran away from dad... but she had this `belt`that hung on the side of this book shelf. it was REALLY beat (pun) up, with rips and stuff missing. it was a disaster... it was a double wide belt too... two sets of holes! with studs the whole way down. vicious... vicious!

so my family got in trouble a lot im not going to lie... so all 4 of us terribly bad kids were in a line, ready to be spanked.. dad was sitting in the kitchen at the table with this brutal white belt... Isaac was first... as usual. (he who prevails in sports, prevails in being first to be beaten) i was last... lydia and aaron were somewhere in the middle... i dont really care. so afterwards isaac ran away, to our room or something... aaron ran away (probably farther that isaac because he had longer legs) lydia just stood at the sink and cried after, because she isn`t fast... she probably figured dad would come chasing after her or something... as if he wanted to do that! he would only have one more spanking left for this week. had to save that one...

then it was my turn... now this wasnt a special spanking or anything... i mean... i WAS the smallest... and of course i DID get the least whips... i just find it funny because... there were four of us... and one of dad... why did we not run away... instead we just stood there in a line like a bunch of piddly morons.

oh well

for the record; when my dad left, my grandpa took over the role of punisher... some things you just like to get two different takes on you know.. this makes me an expert.

wow i just talked about the STUPIDEST things for the half an hour of typing i just did! what a waste of time!

if anyone needs some excellent jamming material, look up Franz Ferdinands new cd Blood... it`s a remix of their cd: Tonight.

which is also a classic. you can jam fricken anything to that!

most of the songs are in the key of A... and one is in B... another is G.... have fun

heres a good way to waste money: go out your door, take a bus to the local car rental place, get a car, drive, to my hoouse, and give it to me. you could waste $300 easily! im serious! if you dont believe me try it!

Naustral Sauce

smelly criminals are the worst breed. worse than streekers at a baseball game.
no man wants to be stuck policing a baseball game. you are pretty much garunteed to touch something at that job that YOU DONT WANT TO!!
it's like standing beside a male bathroom. you know something could happen.... but you are ALWAYS unsure. a man could walk out while doing up his zipper or worse... kidney.... stoners. no one wants to hear that.
speaking about police. wouldn't it suck to have to tazer a smelly guy?
the smell or electricution on skin is bad enough, but add two months of no showers and working at the fish market, you have yourself a prize stinker!! in your nose.
immagine if a turtle invented TNT... that would suck.
maybe a mad scientist could get away or recover... but a tortoise... never...
its stuck in there with its creation no matter what happens!! no escapes...
secondly immagine the turtle had a meth lab in its shell!! it would never be caught! epic. i have to take this idea somewhere...

i used to do a little but a little wouldn't do so the little got more and more. i just keep trying to get a little better said a little better than before.

random cripts

mega-prime and the digibots

i like including pineapple to different types of foods
pumpkin mini man

im SO weird that when my eyes blink... i hear croaking noises!

i always like to start off a ood nights rest with three pillows.
why you say? its all about pillow temperature.
once one gets to warm. i throw it on the ground.
then the next one.
then the next one.
i always finish off with my head on the matress.

now you may ask me... why not start off on the matress.
but that's just a big mess i dont want to get into right now.

Critically: "hey joel, how much of your hair do you wash?"
Responce: "how much of your hair do I WASH?"
"um none"
"well thats dirty. you should councider changing that"

Pink Floyd

"i have to! its my duty!"
imagine a movie:

"Sergeant im going to have to evict you." he said sternly.
"but sir, ive been an disgustedly avidly lieutenant and tenant since

Franz Ferdinand said it best
"you girls never know how you make a boy feel"
isnt this a sick truth?

boys are so obsessed with girls its ridiculous.
i actually hate this generation. with one exception: B Mahrt
he has it all right
he has never dated, he could but hasnt. he doesnt see the need!
take me for example. im 17! i dont need a girlfriend at all! (i dont mind them)
some people see it at that they are too young, its not like you are going t marry this person, its not like you need practice being in a relationship if you truly care about the other person.
the way i see it, the more you date and break up and date and break up, the more likely your future marriage will fail.
dating around just sinks you into a pattern of getting sick of that person. its stupid.
oh hey i just got married, this isnt going to last FIFTY YEARS! (which it should) usually people are in dating relationships anywhere from 2 weeks to 5 years. then they get silly and break up because of some hard times or something juvenile like that.

casadillas are tasty

egg crystals
milk crystals +
----------------
Juice crystals

immagine at was that simple.

Bread Dung

at what point does color effect ones mood?
thas just silly.

can you get arrested for selling knives to a child?
i want to find out.

never eat a 3 litre bag of fuzzy peaches in one day.

instead of candy or ice cream bars, i think people in fire trucks should hand out sunscreen baloons.
or just throw them at the little kids that run up to your truck...

ive lost my faith in pizza pockets.
they dont explode like the commercials tell you they do.
i was thinking as a joke i could fill someones car with pizza pockets, then at some undisclosed point it would explode. but i guess that wont happen now.

ive been thinking about setting up some sort of Guitar smashing school..
i have tons of experience,.. and people love smashing things.
i could have guest speakers like Pete Townshend and/or... Jimi Hendrix (30 years ago)
it could turn out well.
ive smashed 4 guitars in my day (and one bass).

have you ever asked someone a simple question and their reply was "your mom would know".
how low is that

immagine not being able to remember a single thing.
do you know how much that would suck?
you couldnt forget anything!
youd have to live through the pain of close friends and family dying every day... guh that would suck.
immagine if someone broke up with you. how could you like ever forget them... wo.
cool

i want the recepe for destruction

Backseat Inspiration

i personally like to sit on the right side of the bus.
today i was thinking... im weird...
like wearing my watch on my right hand, im supposed to be wearing it on the left hand... its the same thing with this situation:

people have their favorite side of the bus... i know this because my bus is riddled with people who never sit anywhere else.
i always figured they decided by the way their hair is parted.
people whose hair flips to the left would sit on the left... because i figure the right side of their face is more attractive.
people who sit on the right side usually have hair that flip right.
if your hair doesn't flip... you are problem free.

the reason i figure im weird is because my hair flips left... and i prefer to sit on the right side of the bus.
maybe this just means that i dont care what people think of me... oh well.

go to a crowded street.
there you will find tons of peeple.
now you have to come prepared.
bring a huge stereo and a catchy tune.
ok for this instance we will use the Beegee's Jive Talkin'
now take the song and play it through the stereo really loud.
-People walk to ANY beat they hear!-
its true.
now in this case they may be running away to the tune, because of the level of volume... so turn it down, and watch the people walk to the beat!~
when i walk and listen to music; when im not dancing, i always find myself walking to the beat. its awesome.
and the thing is when you are thinking about it, you cant stop walking to the beat. its impossible to go off beat!
now if its a double beat or an off beat your brain will just compromise (depending on your musical ability) to the beat. it's quite neat.
every time im at a place where there is loud music i ALWAYS just sit and watch the people and their walking habits.
its coolio

so summer is upon us!
id have to say it was quite brilliant... the school year...
the future is going to be awesome! im so excited

i want to grow a beard.
i want to go forward in time.
to feel the hair creasing my face.
to braid it till the wee hours of the night.
to be a samarai.
mustaches are ok too

update

ps that new relationship i entered two posts ago failed. and i have never been happier!!

oh well what can you do.

:)

giihhhhht the buuuuhhhhhhhhhhhht

Goodbye brad

hello opportunity,
i hear you have been knocking

i like to be british

met up with a guy named gary
his legs were kind of hairy
next thing you know we're married
then i hook up with Larry

mat

the beach has sand
make love to my hand
have an overactive gland
may pass on to my new land


How It's Made, episode suggestions:
- checks
- babies
- speakers
- talent
- pencil
- puppets
- pantomime horses
- gravy/turkey
- radio waves
- Einstein
- floss
- a gun
- those things you use to aid you with putting on your shoe
- spatulas
- scalpels
- math
- the internet
- a bus
- train tracks
- is there a machine that removes people that have been hit by a train... off the train?
- tv shows
- wet napkins
- glasses
- wedding rings
- electricity
- toxic waste.
- mexican bamboo huts
- shark resistant bifocals
- shark resistant water guns
- a shark that is shark resistant
- shark floss
- squeegee
- tickle me elmo
- pinch me elmo
- punch me elmo
- kick me elmo
- stab me elmo
- shave me, skin me, set me on fire while ducktaped to the side of a rocketship me olmo
- razors

the one thing i wonder is how people that are new to my lative tough on english, is how they decipher the difference of between Wander and Wonder. and One Ender, Won Leader, and Dear Op

deeeeeerop!

my arm went numb 3 minutes ago

Cream Jellope

hey, long time no-> me-write-you-read...
my life is weird right now.
just upside down!
i've entered a brand new relationship... the last one wasn't any fun at all...
.............. my new relationship is with a girl named Allison Joudrey,....
yes you may be thinking
"that's the same girl as last time"
but no... she's better! and the relationship is better,, we've started Afresh
.. and no she didn't go in for surgery to get a brain transplant or some fake metal arms...?
where do you people come up with this stuff?
anyways yeah it's pretty much awesome.

wow so much to inform about. to you.

um, i did this music video in grade 10 to the music of
Safety Dance by Men Without Hats.
it was pretty good i guess,,, it kind of sucked because of lighting and crappy angels...
but im redoing it with my good friend Liam Ardiel (or no deal)
... basically im just walking around trying to get random people to dance with me.
i will upload it here, on this exact post, at a later date. so there is really no point for me to type all this explaining that there will be a video coming after i write this... but i guess all this useless information adds character to the moral and fung chwey of the film.. blog.

on the way home from chillinaxing with my new lady friend i was listening to the turning ticker on the car
and i was like..
"yeah, that's right"
and suddenly it came to me, and i wrote kind of like a feel for a song :)
i forget it now but it was rad
ill have to go out there with my accoust. and listen to the ticker for a while har har.
it was so cool cus it's JUST A TICK! and i was drumming with my hands and singing... it was re-dick

I've decided that's my new thing.. when i get a car... I'm gunna drum to the beat of the ticker. all the time.

I've decided i want a toyota tercel (look it up) <<<<<<< in like a grey color. it needs to be loud and not rusty. i am a man that will bloody well take care of his car! waxing, vacuuming, driving, i couldn't abuse a car!
i may add more to this post later... againg for the character-building-useless-words-typing-AGAIN!
choii

Band Man's Van

yes, today's practice was very prductive!we wrote some guitar licks for the song me and justin were working on previous weeks..we wrote another song with mike, pretty sweet..i like it,. rather boring but that's just me, need to write a better bass line aha

we also named the band (hopefully)we haven't run it bybrad and brodie but we came up with...Third From The Lastyes, no? maybe>?i think its cool. like, it's random enough to be dumb, but also it doesn't make sense which is nice.we wanted first from the last... but that was to much like from first to last... which isnt cool

we're making a new facebook fan page... soon i guess.hopefully.i dont think we should yet though until we have a couple songs recorded.

another cool thing is that we AREn'T doing cover songs! we ACTUALLY write our own stuff, that is profound for a starter band :)and yeah when those two songs are recorded, then we will make a facebook group/fan page.

Butterscotch And Frying Pans (like 5 months old)

ok so this week was pretty much the best week of my life.1. the office was on tonight!!!! 2. teens was simply amaziing, and i got to play basketball and volleyball in that same day.3. i got to play SOCCER in the gym at lunch time.4. i got to sit beside josh in law class.5. iblah
the office was not nothing short of amazing. it was everything i could have hoped for and more! jim and pam got ingaged, dwight and angela are still having their affair. andy, Aka "drew", is apperintly in love hahaha. phillis lost a bunch of weight and is head of the party planning comminty. michael is simply in love, but i don't think that his love loves him back... we shall find out soon enough. kelly passes out from not eating. pam goes to college. ryan is the new receptionist. michael likes his beard. ryan shaves beard. creed is awesome. oscar has a new friend. kevin is no longer retarted. and jan still has michael wrapped around her finger.


the police are an amazing band. especially in Live Aid, when sting wore Parachute Pants...

and ANOTHER THING! we need to put some kind of microchip into dog's brains when they are born so they DON'T sleep on our beds when we are AWAY!!!

i came home tonight and there is white-old dog-hair ALL OVER MY BED!or maybe i could just close my door when i leave... that is a possibility...

you know what i LOVE?! basements that, in the day, are FILLED with O' Natural light! it just makes you happy to be in said basement at that time.

on the other hand, i do not like grouse people's hair, like if it is all dried up and flailing all over the place. makes you want to through up all over their discusting hair.

i also love seeing stupid people sing, they try to cover it up with made up words, and just sing like another song, then they look around, to see if anyone saw them mess up. and they see me :) staring at them, they know i know they messed up, so they give a little "eh im better than you" look and keep singin jeez.

i am proposing the new: Confeity Recycling Project. to help cut down on the amounts of confeity thrown at things or people. so the confeity that is beingthrown at you at a weding reception, may also be the same confeity used in a sacrifitial ceremony in India.

i would also like to make a should out to my lovely Lawn Mowing Shoes, always helping me through the green times.

GO FALL!

i am sleeping with the window open tonight! for the first time in ever because my mom always has the AC on for no reason. SOME ONE DOES NOT LIKE THE ENVIRONMENT! it's so cool, and breezy I LOVE IT!

another spot in my heart is left for xbox live: halo 3 !! best game ever!! i have been playing it since 5 o' clock tthis evening.. an it is now 11 at night :

I'll Have Another Slice Of Your Mother

I hate it.whenever i go into the bathroom to do the due, i get shivers!i dont know if it is the big fiberglas and glass fixtures, of if i'm just nervis but MAN. i drop my drawers and my whole body is frozen.especially in the winter ON BOY!

not so much in the summer... concidering... well you know...obviously...you do all your business outside.JOKING!obviously it's just hot out, geniuses
freedom of speech is just epic isn't it?

so yesterday i went to bed at 8:30 pmbig mistake..i did not sleep at all!i've figured out if i dont go to bed after eleven i dont get a good sleep at all!i need to take a few days off in between jobs and flippin... take some naps! CHOIIIIIIIIIII

Have Mercy On Our Towels

i dont think anyone knows how epic it would be if The Beatles, The Bee Gees, and Boston combined tallent...they would be called Beaston.

big news, i'm getting a hair cut.im getting away from the emo look as far as the hair comes.it's just going to be typical preppy-messed up hair... nothing special.why the change?im re applying at mcdonalds.for strictly financial purposes.well and the fact that everyone at swiss chalet is a fagget stoner.and they are mean... emenslyi left mcdonalds before because i had a summer job. but i didnt leave on very jolly terms...they accused me of stealing 5 cheeseburgers..which i didnt doa guy who worked at mcdonalds came in and asked for 5 cheeseburgers, and jokingly i said to the RETARD 15 year old kitchen worker to make 5 cheeseburgers.the guy who requested the burgs had left by this time.the duece-fag in kitchen was making them and got caught. and me, in the back washing dishes (because that was my job (NOT KITCHEN)) was confronted by the manager and written up.i've matured TONS since then (10 months ago)i have a WICKED refference from my dad, the cherry plant, AND harveys, since the incident... so i should be good to work...i've been working hard since i left mcdonalds...and plus they have cameras in the kitchen now so..

i like the lpace because:-as many hours as i can get my hands on! i can take other people's shifts, work double shifts.

-i know the managers, my brother is one.

-sometimes i work 9 hours a day... 5 days a week.

-$5-600 dollars every week-regular raises

-a potential shot at employee of the month-employee of the year-most improved (which i SHOULD have got last christmas!!!! stupid matt barber!)

-WAY more friends there-more responsibility
-amazing discounts nearly EVERYWHERE!

dislikes:

-must have short hair.

-no hair nets

-have to pay for replacements of the uniforms

-have perscribed uniforms (your responsibility)

-not as much lolly gagging as swiss chalet

-dad doesnt like me working till 1 in the morning... on a school night.

-smell grouse afterwards.

-people get mad if you have to stay over at there house because you have no ride home, and you come in at 1 in the morning... smelling like crap.

-i think they drug you-ONE DRINK/SHIFT MAXIMUM!!! no one follows that rule anyway so its all good.

why do coke and pepsi taste the same?aren't they the same company?what the heck?! how can you like one more than the other, that doesnt make any sense at all
i love words that sound SO weird when you say them over and over. whenever i hear one i like to say it over and over and over so people see what im talking about,.. without knowing i was ever talking about it.

whenever i walk and listen to music at the same time i walk to the beat of the music...no matter how fast... if the song is in quadruplits, triplets, anything... thats how i roll....... stroll...hai also like to stroll...lock your hands behind your back, dont talk, lift your chin up... and you have a stroller.
back to the music walking thing,.. whenever i think about walking off-beat I CANT!its impossible! try it! impossible
why is the class "English" called "English"?why not all it literature?same with french.. it should be... "foreign"jeez/

jeez jeez jeez jeez jeez jeez jeez jeez... see?

OK HERE'S A DOOSIE!!!!WHY... do people put FLOWER patterns on sheets BAM!!
WTFlip?

like... flowers! they are the lamest things on the planet.why not guitars! or siringes!!!!!i would rather (deja vu) have a bunch of needles on (or in) my sheets than a wimpy FLOWER!(deja vu again)

i love deja vu!keeps me on my toes.
but seriously FLOWERS!obviously a girls idea ...if a guy had the choice it would be a gun. or a rotten deer carcus.i would put one BIG ASS music note or something.maybe a plaid pattern, with a music note border... and a big deer carcus right smack dab as the center piece... yeah that is my dream..imagine asking your great aunt for that! not me... i asked for trackers... what was i thinking... thing is.. i got TWO quilts with trackers on them... and one with hunting dogs and ducks... no dead deer. just dead ducks... exciting

while im at it i must say i LOVE my grandma!she tought me NOT to walk outside in my socks.i learned the hard waywho cares
dont you love old people hair>it just seems to flow.like... it's softer than young people's... i dont know why
WO i just pictures my mom in the seventies sitting in her room playing harmonica to that one Elton John song... scary

ever think you can do something... then when you try you just suck? like bassill be thinking about a sweet lick. then ill pick up teh intrument and play... then i will forget or just not be fast enough to play what i was thinking...sucksi liek those times when you just lay there, close your eyes, play four or ive notes, add pauses, slip in a hammer on and a slide. then SHIZZAM! you have a riffthose are good times.i think someone should come out with a cd of just guitar and drums.just randomly two hours of them playing off into space.so you can add bass and just make crap up.play along with ithave funthat would be so stellar!profound even.that is where babies are made.

my band needs a name still...if there is anyone reading this we NEED a RIGHTEOus name.

*Note: -Garbage- is already taken :'(oh well. we move on.-Trashmen- isn't...

pics

Happy Pays

ok... my mom has this little wee bottle of Clearasil in the bathroom... it expires pretty soon actually... March 1994!!!! HOLY COW!
why does she keep it so long!!!
AND the bottle is like an inch and a half HIGH!!!
wow
i would never do that!
it is probably so old that it burns your skin as you put it on! dangerous!

today i have started working out everyday! 50 crunches a day. for 5 days. then 60!. five days of that. then 70. etc.
and any various arm exercises i may persevere to want to do.
i have no idea how to spell that word!

i dyed my hair. it looks black...
its supposed to be brown again but i think i left it in to long...

i never thought i would say this
but i bought pink shoes
i kind of like them...
their like Salmon...
oh well.

my spider plant (for horticulture) is doing shapingly!
nice and rooted

the monkees just came on the radio. this reminds me of a day back when me and ethan hung out every day,,,
changing the lyrics to songs.
try and figure out what the song is called!!
like:

hey hey we're the fishes (monkees)
people think we're fishin' around
but we don't do much fishin'
cus that's considered cannibalism

hey hey we're the fishes, people think we swim and jump
but we dont do much jumpin'
cus we're underwater most of the time.
---------------------------
all the birds and the bees (and the fish)
are singing in the trees (and the pond)
---------------------------
i've been to the desert on a fish with no name
---------------------------
a nice day for a white trout
---------------------------
after midnight, we're gunna let it all flip-and-flop around
---------------------------
we will, we will fish you (alt. catch you)
---------------------------
hit the road fish, and don't you come back no more, no more, no me
---------------------------
swimmer, you know you are a swimmer, can you put your head in your fins?
OH NO!
now you put your fins in your head
OH NO!
---------------------------
she's a killa' fiiIISH
---------------------------
it's been a long time since i fished and bowled!
---------------------------
hidey hoe, hidey high, gunna get me a piece of that but blue pooond.
---------------------------
take the last train to fishville, and i'll meet you at the station.
you must be there by four thirty, cus' i've made your reservation.
---------------------------

so i just woke up and the keys are being shifty again!
i was just dreaming about tar, and spreading toothpaste on my dogs belly.
i miss mr. potato head

i bought like 3 pounds of Whopper candy eggs... i think it may take me QUITE a while to finish the bag haha
i remember i used to sneak into my brother's room and steal his... those were the days

i have a line up of concerts i expect to attend:
newsboys
family force 5
my own band's (in the future)

Two Hours Later

alright my health is gone. i have been plucking and slapping on my bass for about two hours and my index finger is COMPLETELY purple and bruised and blistered... this is not good
music comes with a cost eh?
and i guess talent comes with a cost too
my bass teacher told meit takes 10 000 hours to get REALLY good. like professional like:
-victor wooton
-stu hamm
-jaco pastouies
-stanley clarke
-and some other person whose name i cant read :)

who invented the phrase "hit the sack"
what does that mean!
did this person have a tendancy to train before bed? what?
"im gunna hit the sack, then hit the hay"
who hits hay?!
especially if no one knows if there's a needle in said hay stack

my family is french and english.
we all love olives... i dont know if that matters... but its true.
we eat at least a massive jar of olives EVERY holiday.
everyone loves them. it's rediculous!
if you dont like olives your not in my family!
i put them in spaghetti... instead of meatballs. deeeeoooommmmmmmn good!

to day i and two people forgot the name of ROGER ****** from QUEEN!!!! :O:O:O
I KNOW!! STUPID!!!
i suggested roger deacon (idiot)
matt said Roger Waters...? ok
allison said nothing... i cant remember... i was foolish earlier today haha stupid memory!

i dont know who... someone amazing!
bought corn bran today!!!!!!!
best cereal EVER!!!
it always cuts my mouth SOmuch though... thus i eat it soggy..

supertramp came on as i was turning on my laptop... thought i should mention that...
Dreamer was the song...
redefined the way i look at the past... five minutes of my life.

Demon Freezing

so about five seconds ago my penny jar exploded... dont even ask me how!pennies everywhere... glass in my candy jar, my room is now a wreck.i just wrote a story! took like an hour...

We Are What Our Mothers Say We Are

By Joel Porteous

“I don’t want to,” explained Egburt.“You have to!” his mother said, grinning as she tried to hide her smirk. “Do you understand how embarrassing this is?”“You will survive, it’s only a hair cut,” his mother reassured him.

The next day while the elevator door opened, Egburt was stopped by a very disgruntled boss.

“This is unacceptable! That hair cut is utterly inappropriate for this kind of work! Good thing you still live at home, because I’m calling your mother!” “Good luck with that, she’s the one that picked it out” he said with a look of disappointment on his face.

Ever since Egburt could remember he was being controller by his mother. She would always tell him that since his dad was gone, and still at war, he would have to be the man of the house. What Egburt didn’t realize at the time is that when your mother says you are the man of the house, this means you are the property of hers forever! And she is going to make you completely and utterly dependant on her. His mother got him a job at the town bank as an accountant to bring in money for the two of them, meanwhile she spent most of it gambling, going to spas, and hitting on other men. Egburt didn’t mind, after all, this is what he was raised to do.

One day after the weekly day of shopping for shoes, tuxes, and hair jelly, Egburt’s mother decided that he needed a hair cut. Though strongly disagreeing with this impulsive whim, Egburt had no choice but to get the hair cut that he never thought he would own. She dropped him off, paid the dresser, wrote down what she wanted his hair to look like, and took off for the nearest mall. Though profusely trying to see what was written down on the card, and trying to look in the mirror as the dresser cut his locks, Egburt had no say in the matter, what mommy wants, mommy gets. So he sits, and he waits. Sweat is slowly dripping down his face as he anticipates the fruit of this unruly lady who hold the key to his professionalism in her soft and abrasive hands.

She is done, the hair feels light and he can see his hair streaming down his face. He had always combed it back into a ponytail with hopes of one day letting the beast run wild, shaking his majestically silky hair to the nations as he wanted to become the bass player for the almighty southern rock group: The Avengers. Of course this was a silly and unmentionably unlikely dream… or so he thought.

His mother returned, bags in hand, hair messed up from running, breathing heavily as she stared right into Egburt’s left eye (seeing as how his right eye was covered in hair). She threw the bags, ran over to him, and held his face in her sweaty, wrinkly old hands.

“You’re perfect!” she proclaimed in an oddly declarative manner. “What are you talking about? Let me see my hair.” He said nervously, not knowing what to think. Was it bad? Was it good? Is it what I want or what she wants? Do I have the same good looks? Does it cover too much of my face? What about my Southern Rock dream?

None of that mattered now; the moment of truth has come upon them. The hair dresser goes into the closet to get a mirror. Her steps seemed endless with suspense and shear horror at thought of looking in the mirror and seeing some kind of punk staring back at him. The time has come; she holds the mirror backwards, slowly turns it around. Egburt leans into the direction of the turning mirror, almost as to try and see himself before his mother is in the frame with him. It stops, he can’t speak, it’s emo.

This was his worst nightmare, emo hair. His mother seems ecstatic! He stands there with his mouth swung open; he looks at himself, looks at his mother, looks at himself, looks at his mother, turns around and walks out the door. This is the first time since kindergarten when he decided to burn a hole in the wallpaper of his bedroom that he has dared to defy the breathless, abstract, and vigorously rigorous hold of his mother.
--------------------------------------------------------------

it's and english project... i dont write for fun! besides this... even though writing it was fun... whatever!
flip! law test tomorrow! i am blogging instead of studying... this is not good... i also have to do some stupid story answer sheet for some stupid story we read in english... this sucksoh well i have my health right?!

Suing The Dueds

becuase of the sheer brilliance of Queen i am changing my name to John a naming my first born son Faruhk Balsaur.

how many times has Harringtons had a sale>?

oooo give me a GOOD guitar!

so thursday night (if anyone reads these) is now (and always has been) The Office night.... so come on down to the Drop-In center at like.,... seven! and we'll have a big ole bash

ohhhh just find me an old guitarr

so i got my new bass and it's wicked! it's just supposed to hold me over till i have enough to purchase the Takamine eg514fgh or whatever it is....

my brother's buck and doe thing was like a week ago... and it was pretty righteous, i won like three things... an ipod dock, and a bunch of candles and fountains.... so

i have encountered a new phrase:
"ah the things you see when you don't have a camera"
and its totally true! i always see things and say "oo i wish i had a camera" and 97% of the time i don't

every time i go swimming i end up cold afterwards... even in the summer.
what if i went in the winter? like a polar dipper or whatever their called... that is a pretty good experiment eh? i'd probably die... or be super warm..?

i have recently been introduced, by an undisclosed source (my grandpa), to old man clothing. i purchased two old man/dress coats from value village over the weekend, and i ammm basking in their glory...
oh old people, with your witty and overly used combacks, and your impectuous sense of style. i also intend to buy some thick-knitted sweaters... maybe one with some golfers on it... or a bunny

there is a 0 in 30 chance you will ever see me dust. it's not a chore that i favor... i havent done it in years... come to my room you'll see... bits of me everywhere HAHA pun

i also dont like brushing the backs of my teeth... they are just to far back there... im dreading the day i get wisdom teeth... that will be an adventure that will go into the... story books.

i painted my room today. with my M'Lady, to celebrate our 2 MONTH!! :O
feels like yesterday i w...
i know what you're thinking... "that is awfully lame"
but no. it's not.
we are going out to dinner tomorrow... *Bates permitting :)

don't use sponges to paint with...

Nintendo is JUST oldschool enough to be cool...
the grafics are SWEET (when on a small screen) and it STILL USES CARTRIDGES!!!!!!!!!!! amazing

i bought some new games from my past... ROAD RASH!!! best game ever!!! and the thing is... i think i bought the same cartridge i sold the pawn shop like 5 years ago heh heh


*Bates is our communications teacher... he may make us film on our music video...

-----------------------------------------------
so about five (5) minutes ago i was thinking about comma's,,, aren't they useful. anyways im getting off topic. what is a comma Splice??
im serious i kind of have an erge to know.

Flipping Chimping

OK so you know how air conditioning makes you not hot?
well do i have a fact for you:
legs don't need air conditioning! :O
you have like no feeling in your legs! that is why most war veterans lose their legs in combat, because they simply don't notice!
and it is also a proven fact that stoners like to wear shorts. because they stand out in the cold so much you would think they wear jeans or at least some spandex, but nope. they wear shorts because they have no feelings

do you (the listener) ever buy things of products out of a vending machine?
or maybe play a simple arcade game!
isn't there just the biggest deal of suspense ever!
at the vending machines at my school there is NO certainty that you will actually receive the product you have purchased.
that is indefinitely because of the total URBAN quality of our vendor's.
THE CANDY ALWAYS GETS STUCK!
i have conducted recent experiments...
i have tested the dispensing characteristics of THREE different candies over the course of a month. sure this is a costly venture... but it was worth it for my viewers :')
these are tham:
skittles (original flavors)
fun dip (also original)
sour cherry blasters (good kind)
...
fun dip was. . . the only one that got stuck throughout the course of the month... so...
if you want to buy fun dip... GO TO A TUCK SHOP!

remember when the tuck shop at a baseball game was the only place you could get candy with the money you took from your moms wallet, because parents didn't believe candy was good for you?
maybe it's just me :S

Future Ideas:
make healthy candy
re-invent the wheel
that is all

oh my way, no my goodness, oh my goodness, no way

would it suck if you were a super hero and your arch enemy is a family member?
it would be ok if it was in your extended family... or a cousin...
but what if it was your mom... or a close uncle?!
it would be so awkward on Christmas! cus you'd be poisoning each others food... and then your evil-uncle's wife takes a bite of his potatoes (no pun intended) and she suddenly dies!
then your mom found out it was you and you get spanked (age of super hero may vary)

isn't it totally true that you can tell a lot about people by what their favorite color is?
if they like yellow that means they are happy... and they probably had a good childhood.
if they like blue then they are weird and should be shunned from most groups of people due to clashing apparel
if they like green they are not from the city and could probably lift you, and your grandma. at the same time
if they like Grey they are most certainly boring and have a lot of secret friends in Africa
if they like brown then.. well..
if they like white they are lame and should be forced into a time machine to early Egypt to be enslaved by the Inca's
and finally, if they like black they are cool and should be friends with everyone, as well as given gifts wherever they walk (otherwise they will turn emo

there are a lot of bad bathrooms I've been in...
kelly's in simcoe
blockbuster in simcoe
swiss chalet in simcoe...
A&P in simcoe (eww)
but there are NONE that will EVER match up to the bathroom in the Fortino's in Burlington! OH MY GOODNESS!
that is just the lowest of lows.
I'm pretty sure i visited the day before the weekly cleaning of that Zest Pit!

put your hand up if you hate food that makes your face itch!
for me the dirty vicsons include:
bananas (my lip)
lasagna (jaw bone)
cherry, plum, peach, grapes, and pineapple (my throat)
peanuts (nothing, i just don't like them at all)

T_T "git the tropical feelings"

Brush-Foot, Bleed-Groap

what would it be like to be the first human MAN to straighten his hair...
do you think his girlfriend made him do it? or did it to him somehow...?
was he made fun of by the other guys in his school?
was he freaked out about how his hair floating everywhere?
do you think he was maybe a druggy and was high on crack (pills) at the time so he didn't notice?

would it suck to be Keith Moon's Hi-Hat symbol?
WRONG!
he didn't use a hi-hat symbol you fools!
but it would suck to be him clash :S
always breaking, and flimsy-ing around the place :S

forget it, it's not worth it.

i got so much for this holiday season!
mostly jones soda... actually mostly jones soda. like a lot of jones flippin soda! and t-shirts :)

you know those Wind-A-Flashlights?
the ones you got in your stocking on Christmas (no... Halloween)
those are awesome, i have about three because Regal kept coming out with new models.. .so im proud to say i am a loving owner of all three models... because they went out of business three years after this thrifty invention.

"doing a gay assignment in the gay class called: this one! in the believable deliberance of animal meth and candy necklaces due to a fricken blob of profile paper flamboyant mates and a Jew full of dogs which charges the admission truck of $doo, considerate the watches clock that David killed his pet mink and foiled the potatoe salads in the dining room. not the bedroom which is where his parents: mother, father, and god, decided he would be better off as a homosexual, not that i just said "Hay, Betches! i want to find about 90 handsome, attractive young boys to help me decorate my apartment"...
this person was shot many repeated times with a mini gun, then after the study of gawd zilla was determined, the sounds of the wintry north was implemented as the most psychedelic experience of the 1970's, even more so then the Jimi Hendrix recorder: Purple Side Of The Hazy Wall. founded in 1970's The Purple Side Of The Hazy Wall, the record won pretty much no awards, except the 1971 music's most stupid award of the century, Jimi Hendrix ended his life instead of going to the presentation of the award. instead he stayed in his flat in waterfordloodown and over-indulged himself in shag-power's most famous actor: Goldbender. Jimi ended his life at first sight of the fat gay. Jimi's favorite activities included: drugs, alcoholics, building desks, playing banjo, eating crepes, texting oldsterly guys, snorting plum seeds, binder weaving, and smashing his grandma's fruits on the back porch-railing. escape is the most timely death defying miller with day cooper blah blah.
this class is boring due to the fact that this class SUCKS and i want to go make out with a goat named Franklin in Scotland, Wordsdale. but he has been throwing up a lot lately, and is crying excessively due to the twat named Ryan that is sitting in front. this is my greatest creation. when i go to college to be an insurance broker i am going to hang it on the wall as an inspiration... Joel in grade 11 history class... prooooobably instead of a very important note that Mr. Johnson gave us...

The Fight To Free My Son

The Story Of David Moleguard

Page 1:
A) In the beginning Sgt. Pope created the havens and the turf. He began by peeling back the green twine that spewed from the underbelly of the Turfasaur.

Page 2:
B) Moleguard Found dignity in the frozen wasteland he called "Home-Away-From-Home". until the in-bred Wolfblain clan took over his clump of land, which was next to the Mal-Wart in the downtown sewers.

C) The growth on David's left cheek bone led him to grow increasingly suspicious of the dentist's practices during last week's appointment.

D) Egburt Spitoon burped to sixty then fired his last pistol whip into the side of the deluxe edition Sampson dish.

E) In the side of the fold in his arm, Moosetaw Shoepaw crammed a disease ridden sandwich. unsuspecting the harsh repercussions, his arm evolved into an infection prone finger nucleus.

Page 3:
F) Though deliberately conjoining the white speckle on his right index finger to the brain of a sea-homo, Bridget Fliquley did not expect the intensity of the blue and whorange lip that had grown in the heart of her chest.

G) Damaging the quip, she fries the glad chipping tea stems for a jug of tips he is to present to the wall of pictures in that late evening.

Special Pancakes

you need weight gained.

you should be a body builder.

my eyes have grown to be overwhelming.

who would have thought you could flush floss down the toilet!

who invented floss!!

OR THE TOILET!!!

who the flip invented water?! it's INSAINE! it's a killer, a life saver, a life preventor! it helps with conception... dont ask

the US should invade the desert and escivate it

imagine how many people are in there! and jewels and... glass

all irish and scottish people need sideburns. they look infectious without them.

i'm growing sideburns just because of my heritage... and a big nose... because im a little big english too..

and i dress nice and wear scarves cus im french.

remember the Q-Ray bracelet? on tv the infomercials?

i used to spend all morning EVERY morning watching infomercials as a child.

i also watched lots of soaps. like passions... sometimes (most times) twice a day.

this is the life of a homeschooler.

do you talk

do you ever find when you are saying something and it`s totally unimportant by the time you finish

its real

sweet silly woman!

A Schrute Family Christmas

Froehliche Weihnachten faithful readers! Many of you have requested I divulge information regarding the Schrute family’s annual Christmas traditions. Initially I thought, what my family does in the privacy of our compound does not concern you, but then I had a change of heart after watching a special Christmas television program with Mose. In the program, a skinny green monster impersonated Santa Claus, broke into the homes of an entire village, and repeatedly committed felony burglary. I realized that this sort of lawless behavior is lauded by our society as exemplifying the “Christmas spirit” and it made me sick. So rather than stand by idly and watch mankind continue to emulate the skinny green Christmas monster, I’ve decided to share my family’s Christmas customs in the hopes that they may serve to exemplify the true meaning of the “Christmas spirit.”
Christmas Eve is a particularly holy night for my family. An Austrian priest, Joseph Mohr, penned a poem exploiting my family’s tradition of the “Silent Night.” As the title suggests, no one is allowed to speak or make any noise, without facing the bitter taste of the switch. The satisfaction we all got when someone accidentally spoke and was switched is still one of the greatest memories of my childhood.
Our Christmas day traditions are pretty mainstream. We wake up early to exchange small, handmade wooden presents and to slaughter our dinner—the Christmas goat. And of course, if a Schrute has been particularly good that year, then Kris Von Kindl fills his stockings with coal, a highly desired source of fuel during long, cold Pennsylvania winters.
And since our Christmas festivities are so much fun, we carry them on for another day, which we call, “Boxing Day.” In between feasting and personal meditation, the day is spent engaging in fierce hand-to-hand combat with our loved ones. Unresolved familial issues that have crept up over the course of the year get settled once and for.
Thus, after three gruelingly delightful days spent internalizing the Christmas virtues (love, obedience, and endurance), our family is ready to ring in the New Year with the true Christmas spirit etched into the musculature of our hearts.
May you and yours have the best of battles this holiday season,
Dwight K. Schrute.